Koalafications

Our koalafications have been independently verified by a committee consisting primarily of us. Core competencies include branch occupancy, slow decision-making, advanced leaf assessment, and remaining calm while absolutely nothing happens. Each team member completes extensive field training in looking approachable without agreeing to do additional work.

Senior koalahs hold certificates in Eucalyptus Selection, Vertical Napping, and Applied Stillness. Pandah colleagues are licensed in Bamboo Reduction, Snack Logistics, and Sitting With Significant Presence. Joint appointments are available in ceremonial waving, ribbon chewing, and appearing in photographs where everyone else looks unusually busy. Continuing education occurs daily, usually between naps, and is almost entirely edible.

None of these credentials qualify us to provide medical, legal, financial, architectural, or relationship advice. We remain willing to provide it if a sufficiently crisp leaf is offered, but the results should be treated as decorative. References are available from several trees. The trees have declined to comment. If your event requires professionalism, punctuality, or trousers, please disclose that during booking so we can begin lowering expectations immediately.